the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
