I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
