My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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