He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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