i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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