The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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