im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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