the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
