This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
