You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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