Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
