YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
