apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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