I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
