Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
