If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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