Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize