I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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