i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
