Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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