All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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