Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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