i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
