So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
