i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
