I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
