Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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