would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
