Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
