the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
