There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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