i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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