She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
