No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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