I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
