My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
