I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
