I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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