Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
