I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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