based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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