Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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