I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
