Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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