I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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