the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
