We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
