Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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