Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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