sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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