..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
