his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
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