my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
