She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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