Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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