My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
