..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
